Maturity....definition please.

So recently, I have been having somewhat of a crisis. (I know, what else is new?) But the thing that has been bothering me has really taken a toll on my confidence. So what could be shaking me so much that my brain requires its own Richter scale? MATURITY....well actually, what the real definition of it is. My whole life I have felt one way, and now I'm being forced to question what I thought was right for so long.

Growing up I always viewed maturity as something that was directly related to a persons mental and spiritual state. I thought that as I grew older, the way I chose to handle certain situations, my dealings with those around me and of course, how I was progressing spiritually would show my growing maturity. That thought was undisturbed for so long. And honestly I feel that within the last 3 years, my maturity level has reached a high. But also..within the last 2 years people have been drilling little cracks into my mind. Now i find myself wondering "Is my maturity measured by my mental state and how I carry myself? or by my (lack of) material possessions?

It was brought to my attention recently that some of my "friends" think that I'm less mature than them. SOLELY based on the fact that they either have jobs or cars. Before I got my first job actually, one was quoted as saying that they felt uncomfortable inviting me out because I had never been employed. Now if you are reading this and picturing me as the type of person that leeches off of my friends and is constantly asking them to loan me money.....your wrong. There is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than asking my friends for money or to pay for something for me. Sometimes I don't even like asking my family members for money if it's not really necessary....so you tell me, how could I make you uncomfortable??

Getting back to the whole issue of maturity. Since when does being able to go on 3 vacations a year or driving a car that you have to make payments on, automatically make you mature? News flash people: IT DOESN'T! Especially when the rest of your life, or your personality is in shambles. I respect the fact that everyone has the ability to make their own choices in life, but I don't appreciate being judged for the ones I made. I know that me choosing not to get a job when I turned 15 does mean that I'm behind on experience that some others might have, but it also meant that I was able to start pioneering while I was in high school. And that is a choice that I will never regret. I also know that some of my peers chose to get cars and there is obviously nothing wrong with that, but is there really something horribly wrong about not having a car? I never used to think so, I mean we live in N.Y.C! There are sidewalks everywhere, buses that run pretty frequently and the subway system. Why should I burden myself with taking care of a car and its payments? Just because I can drive, it doesn't mean that i need a car. And honestly I believe that its mature of me to think that way.

So I guess the point of this rant isn't really that I'm going to change my definition of maturity. But I think I may try to conduct an experiment to see how others define it.

Finding your niche...harder than it sounds.

Niche:a place or position suitable or appropriate for a person .

Ever since we were younger, fitting in has always been pretty important. Now before you start giving me the speech about how "fitting in isn't that important and sometimes its not good" just stop. I would never advise someone to try and fit in with a crowd thats obviously up to no good, or even for something trivial. But at some point in our lives, we need to fit in somewhere. Currently, i am surrounded by respectful, trustworthy and spiritual people. Although this is a huge difference from being in high school and I am more than happy to be surrounded by people with the same moral values I have, I found myself wondering "do I really fit in with them?"Dont get me wrong, I really enjoy their company and we do have a good time together, but I feel as if something is missing. I don't want to say that there is no chemistry, cause that sounds waaay too cliche. Shouldn't friends have mutual feelings for each other? How often is it okay to wonder if your friends are enjoying your company as much as your enjoying theirs?

Maybe its not the niche tho. Who knows, maybe I'm thinking too much into it (wouldn't be the first time) or maybe I'm just not trying enough to fit into my niche. Just answer me this, when does it stop being fitting in and start becoming just you changing who you are for a group of people? I know i have some changes to make.....but what if I look in the mirror one morning and don't even recognize the face that's looking back at me?

Drills, Teeth, and La Traviata.

Teeth and drills were never meant to be together. Anyone who thinks differently, must be seriously deranged. Part 2 of my root canal left me with this little take on life. Okay, I must make it clear that I was numb during the procedure, but still!! Have you ever scrapped a fork against your teeth and gotten shivers down your spine? Well imagine doing that for about 2 hours. NOT PLEASANT!!! This time around I did come prepared with my 8GB's worth of life saving distractions. My dentist seemed to have no problem with me listening to music while she worked....this is most likely because she knew that any talking I did would involve a great deal of hard work and even more saliva. (gross I know, but just telling it how it is) Any of my friends could tell you that my music selection is very random, so it wasn't surprising that Ryan Leslie, Lionel Richie, Glee and Daft Punk were just some of the musicians that made the shuffle selection. One musical selection however stood out among the others; La Traviata as performed by The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. As this beautiful piece caressed my ears, I almost didn't mind the feeling of metal hitting against my teeth or the vibrations of a drill at work only inches away from my gums...well Almost. After the song finished playing, I can say that I finally uncurled my toes, relaxed my shoulders and before I knew it, the appointment was over. Thank you music! You've saved me again....well at least till the 17th that is. Stay tuned for Root canal part 3!! coming soon to an orthodontist near you.

Read all about it! Old diaries tell all!

I found my old diary the other day and of course, had to read it to see how much had changed. Turns out, a lot has changed, especially me! Now the diary that i recently found was only about 2 years old, but it did make me think back to my first diary that i had in my preteen years. Ah, the years of cartoons, small crushes and a general sense of childlike naivety. What good times. The diary of my late teen years however was saturated with sarcastic banter, tear stained pages and a general sense of teenage whining. I mean, I'm not saying that i didn't have problems in my life then and I'm still dealing with some of them now. But I seemed so....helpless then. I made every problem seem like the world was caving in around me and "no one understands!!" When your a teenager do your emotions only have extreme settings? Example: something bad happens = MY LIFE IS OVER! You almost want to go back in time and smack that whiny little pimple popper that you used to be and show them tell them to suck it up. Asking my parents, they say that i was actually a pleasant teenager compared to most and I didn't give them any problems. Knowing that, I think I'd have to give the me of yesteryear a break. I mean...we all cry in the dark sometimes don't we? or when we know we're alone. So if I could go back in time and have a face to face chat with myself, I think the only words that could come out of my mouth would be : "Everything is going to get better, trust me I know. Dont waste your tears, cause you cant get them back." I guess I'll put the diary back on the shelf...to be picked up in another 10 years or so...but then again, who knows what I'll think about this post then.